Tom Konkle, a modern day Peter Sellers..I have paid someone to say about me on occasion. The details of my life are quite inconsequential.... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old Scottish prostitute named Catherine with webbed feet. My father would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. My own life is the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament... My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon... luge lessons... In the spring, we'd make meat helmets... When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds - pretty standard really. At the age of 12, I received my first scribe. At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Wilma ritualistically shaved my testicles – there really is nothing like a shorn scrotum – it's breathtaking... I suggest you try it.

Tom Konkle
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