The year is 1984. The month is May. The world is about to change. Why? Because Ghostbusters is about to come out. I don’t know if you recall this incredible masterpiece of a film, but it was a goddamn nutpunch of awesomeness.
Also happening: Floppy disks, some famine in Ethiopia (bo-ring), and Ah, Yes! The hero of our tale. Ryan “Mirv” Mirvis (aka Captain Awesome) was bursting like a blooming rosebush from some lady’s womb. Details of this birth are unknown, but I would imagine there was probably a torn up vagina in there somewhere.
The chronicle of Mirv’s life is one wracked with sorrow, punctuated with glee, and tainted by the flesh between his ass and shaft. However, I’m pretty sure he’s had like, 97 jobs, 32.8 girlfriends with fake names, and one time drove into a wall doing “120." Also, he“has never given a blow-job for heroin.”
From snow-board instructor to midwife, bartender to cat-whisperer, the careers Mirv has fleetingly held all assisted in the honing of his chosen craft: The Art of Comedy. His travels to many distant lands, including a brief stay in the most culturally-seductive of states (Utah), became the settings to his hilariously innapropriate parables; the actors are the multitude of friends he has accumulated along the way.
T’was a long road to become the comedic robot-man-beast Mirv is today. He has performed shows all over the country, including being a regular at The Comedy Store, Mad House Comedy Club, and the Hard Rock Hotel San Diego. It is said that one time he partied with Mr. Belding from Saved By The Bell, and that they made love atop a pile of cash, and that there were even some five dollar bills in there.
As for the future, the world is Mirv’s oyster-scented Pez dispenser of possibilities, but we imagine that it will peak somewhere on TV, or in movies, or maybe on Broadway. Or perhaps in a New York City gutter, where he will share his moldy bread crust with a rat, and then out from an alley will come the Ectomobile and Bill Murray will ask Mirv to be in Ghostbusters III and that will be totally awesome.