I've accomplished a lot of things in my life. These achievements include but are certainly not limited to...

Winning my 6th grade spelling bee

Participating in my 7th grade spelling bee

Hitting one triple and stealing one base in 10+ years of organized baseball

Bowling a 260-something one time

Graduating college with a thoroughly mediocre GPA after five years of slacking off

Catching four home runs in one Phillies/Marlins batting practice in 2004

Beating level 9-5 on Tetris six times in one night

Getting fired from a Taco Bell how is that even possible

Reading the majority of the Goosebumps books

Doing lots of crossword puzzles half way and then giving up

Being named the fourth funniest person in Philadelphia population: 1.4 million*

Playing 30 seasons of Madden 2006 after I had shoulder surgery and couldn't do anything else. My team was eventually shut down because we lost billions of dollars after I lowered ticket prices and spent a shitload on virtual goalposts, but we won a lot of games

Rooting for the evil green knight at Medieval Times even though I was clearly in the red knight's section and was given a red knight hat

Meeting former president Bill Clinton when I was nine

Winning student council secretary in seventh grade didn't know this was a female position until it was too late

*population statistics based on 2005 census results, funniness rating based on a comedy contest

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